By Shervonne Hollis
Many people equate domestic violence with direct physical abuse, but experts warn this is a dangerous myth. This narrow view of domestic violence can sometimes allow the insidious and far-reaching effects of other kinds of abuse to go unacknowledged, according to Michele Kambolis, PhD, a clinical therapist and mind-body health specialist based in Canada.
Lately, there have been increasingly brazen and vicious attacks in the public against women and girls. These public assaults range from non-lethal to lethal. Abusers have become unafraid of the law, and seem emboldened by their hunger for power and control. While most violence/abuse crimes generally occur against a partner — current or former spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends — more women and girls are targets of these heinous crimes. It appears as though we are fighting a losing battle. It seems no end is in sight.
How many more women and girls must suffer in silence in this country before we react? Have we become desensitized to gender-based violence/abuse in this country? Should we enforce a zero-tolerance approach to gender-based violence? Or are we so hardened and blinded by our own selfish ambitions that we do not care about the lives and welfare of others?
We all must conduct self-reflection and search our souls in this country. Gender-based violence must be eliminated in this country. Spare no expense; we must find a workable solution.
Violence/abuse in any form is unacceptable and should not be tolerated or condoned in any society. The longer we remain silent and refuse to address this social ill in society, sadly, more women and girls will suffer. We cannot continue to be reactionary; we must be proactive in prevention and intervention safety.
To get a clearer understanding of the nature of these types of abuse, we need to recognize the signs.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is any type of intentional behavior that hurts its target emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. Emotional abuse, on its own, is particularly damaging because it is insidious and tends to be covert — not openly acknowledged. Also, signs of these kinds of abuse aren’t always easily detected by people outside the relationship, and are even harder to recognize for those experiencing them.
An emotionally abusive relationship can appear loving at first but quickly turn into hell. The abuser may seem very attentive, protective and complimentary, and show an unusual amount of attention and affection towards the victim. But after a while, the abuser may use control, manipulation, coercive behavior, insecurity and jealousy, and show inconsistent behavior.
Emotional abuse can have both short-term and long-term effects on victims and the emotional toll on victims can result in behavioral and physical side effects.
What is mental abuse?
Mental abuse is the use of threats, verbal insults and other more subtle tactics to control a person’s way of thinking. This form of abuse is especially disturbing because it is tailored to destroy self-esteem and confidence and undermine a personal sense of reality or competence.
Both fall under the umbrella of psychological abuse or psychological violence, which tends to be invisible in nature and can occur anywhere. These types of violence/abuse are behaviors that aim to cause emotional or mental harm and the abuser seeks to control the target. They may not hurt your body, but can be just as painful and distressing in other ways. Because abusive behavior tends to be repetitive and unpredictable, most victims learn to wait or oftentimes stay in the relationship.
Many victims learn to adapt to their abusive situation, which is much easier to do with emotional abuse because it is so elusive, whereas physical harm or injury tends to gain more attention and quicker action because psychological abuse is frequently overlooked or harder to prove. The abuser’s strategy is to target the emotional and psychological well-being of their victims, which often leads to physical violence/abuse.
Abusers use various power and control tactics such as:
- Isolation.
- Coercive control and threats.
- Minimizing: denying and blaming.
- Male privilege.
- Blocking.
- Stalking and harassment.
- Economic abuse.
- Financial abuse.
- Insulting the victim, in private or in public.
- Shaming and naming.
- Spiritual or religious abuse.
- Neglect or ignoring.
- Humiliation.
- Gaslighting or manipulation.
- Love bombing.
As a result, repeatedly, the victim develops either trauma-bonding (emotional attachment) or co-dependency (relationship addiction).There is no one-size-fits-all description for these types of abuses, but there are some generalizations to be made. The abuse itself can occur one time or several times within the relationship. Most victims become conditioned to respond in certain ways, which reinforces the abuser’s use of controlling behavior.
Why do victims stay in an unhealthy relationship?
The reality is most victims don’t, or can’t, recognize they are being abused. This is where we come in to educate our women and girls on how to recognize repeated social and relational patterns, how they can get help and how to safely leave any toxic relationship. There is no one solution to this problem but it is our duty as a society to ensure each girl and woman lives in a safe and healthy environment.
As friends, we are not to judge victims but to be their support system and to help them recognize the issue and seek professional help. Our first duty as a society is to recognize the role of gender violence; educate ourselves on the root causes; interrupt and report abuse; be critical and question; and stop sexual harassment, victim-blaming, rape culture, bullying and stereotyping the roles of women and girls.
Instead, we have to create community awareness, develop an action plan, create safe spaces to discuss gender-based violence, confront and reflect our own beliefs and ideologies, be supportive and believe and be a mentor.
Remember that violence is a choice, and it is preventable.
Shervonne Hollis is an advocate for women and children and founder of the 242 Domestic Violence Support Network Inc. For more information, contact info242dvsn@gmail.com or 242-636-0474.
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