By Shervonne Hollis
What is disturbing is that many people don’t consider marital rape as rape, mainly if it’s not something happening in a dark alley or there is no gun-to-the-head situation and it doesn’t involve a stranger. It’s the husband, the woman’s spouse. From grandmothers to mothers to daughters, one generation to the next, many women are taught to suffer in silence and not to stand up to their husbands.
However, experts in domestic abuse and sexual assault explained how, within marriage, the two forms of violence against women were indivisible. Most sexual violence occurs in private and in relationships. In fact, many studies states that rape is often an indicator that domestic violence could escalate to homicide.
Public opinions about this controversial law are marred to a large extent by our cultural, religious and ideological beliefs associated with marriage — one of which is that husbands can’t rape their wives as the “union” is ordained by God. As debate around marital rape gets louder, there certainly lies a world beyond mature discourse. Far from the popular depiction of “a marital tiff between husband and wife”, marital rape often involves severe physical violence, threats of violence, intimidation, force without consent and/or against a spouse’s will and the use of weapons/threats by men against their partners.
To a large extent, the major pushback to this law comes from those who feel it can be misused to entrap husbands into false cases or imprisonment. While it may be a valid reason, “those who are raising concerns about increased possibility of false accusations, if the exception is revoked, should know that there is little merit to this besides an attempt to question the credibility of the survivors, which in itself a challenge in today’s time, as seen by Bishop Franco”.
This reality is certainly odious.
If we continue to avoid this discussion and not give credence to the fact that marital rape exists in this country, we cannot expect anything else but for victims to remain silent. The harsh truth is we have a rape culture in this country and we must stamp it out. It is incumbent upon our government to enact laws that protect our women and girls from this heinous crime.
Naming it is the first step to dismantling rape culture.
What is marital rape?
According to Wikipedia: “Marital rape or spousal rape is the act of sexual intercourse with one’s spouse/ex-spouse without the spouse’s consent.”
Rape is an uneasy and sensitive topic to talk about, and understandably so because we are talking about a violation of a human being’s body, trust, emotions, sanity and confidence by another human. Rape culture is pervasive. It’s embedded in the way we think, speak and move in society.
While the contexts may differ, rape culture is always rooted in patriarchal beliefs, power and control. Rape culture is the social environment that allows sexual violence to be normalized and justified, fueled by the persistent gender inequalities and attitudes about gender and sexuality.
Rape is not about sex. Sex has little to do with it, in fact. Sex becomes the weapon, the vehicle to accomplish the desired result, which is to overwhelm, batter, overpower, embarrass and humiliate another person. Regardless of a woman’s marital status with regard to her rapist, if there is no consent, it is rape. Similarly, a married woman has the same right to control her own body as does an unmarried woman.
Everyone should be able to make their own decisions about their body regardless of race, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, economic class or disability, among others. Whether we agree or not, it is our constitutional rights as individuals.
For too long, women were deemed sacred only as long as they followed a prescribed outline of how to look, behave and speak. Many men were taught and still believe that a wife must be agreeable to sexual relations with her husband at any time and that she has no say in the matter, and that the woman’s duties are to cook, clean and procreate.
Well, it gets more complicated because many women believe that the husband has a God-given right to just “take it” whenever he wants, it in spite of her objections. Oftentimes, women stay in sexually abusive marriages because they are financially and emotionally dependent on their husbands; other times, some marital rape victims don’t realize they were raped. Many are under the mistaken impression that spouses cannot rape each other. There is also the no-one-will-believe-me fear and the shock of being violated by their husband, who vowed to protect them in sickness and in health.
Such thinking can inadvertently promote rape and an unbiblical concept of sex. Sex should be more than a “duty”, and “submission” in the bedroom cannot be seen as the complement of compulsion. Indeed, the verse about wifely submission speaks of husbands and wives “submitting themselves one to another in the fear of God”. This is hardly a prescription for a domineering or abusive husband. What the Bible calls for in a marriage is mutual submission, love and respect.
Oftentimes, perpetrators misuse biblical texts like 1 Corinthians 7: 3–5 to support their erroneous view that a wife can never tell her husband that she would like to defer having sex for a time. Other times, husbands justify the lack of sex as the reason for extramarital sex.
It is a myth to think that marital rape is less serious than other forms of sexual violence. There are many physical and emotional consequences that accompany marital rape, and it is not far-fetched to believe that marital rape does not occur behind closed doors.
Any “forced sex” without consent is rape, and God never condones rape. The truth is that sexual expression was designed by God to be an act of love within a marriage, and violence or coercion should never be a part of it. Forced sex is not love; it is the opposite. The Bible is clear: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19).
Misuse, abuse and manipulation of biblical teachings is wrong and should stop.
History of marital rape
For decades, this subject of marital rape had remained unchallenged, until the 1970s, when an anti-rape movement argued for the elimination of the spousal exemption because it failed to provide equal protection from rape to all women (Bidwell & White, 1986; Finkelhor & Yllo, 1985). Much of the attention that has been given to marital rape has emerged from the legal community. This has occurred because throughout the history of most societies, it has been acceptable for men to force their wives to have sex against their will. The traditional definition of rape was “sexual intercourse by a man with a female not his wife without her consent”, so husbands having non-consensual sex with their wives were exempted from prosecution.
Fast-forward to today: marital rape or spousal rape is illegal in many countries.
What is CEDAW?
The Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) (1979) is a key international treaty addressing gender-based discrimination and providing specific protections for women’s rights. The convention sets out an international bill of rights for women and girls, and defines what obligations states have to make sure women can enjoy those rights. To date, over 180 states and countries have ratified the convention, including The Bahamas.
While globally the legal complexities of this law are numerous, and many countries have yet to enact it, the extent of these debates, social and emotional impacts, should not be seen as an attack on the institution of marriage. All women deserve to be treated equally, and an individual’s human rights do not deserve to be ignored by anyone, including by their spouse.
Protecting women who are victims isn’t a gift or favor. It is our government’s responsibility to serve the people and take extreme efforts to ensure future prevention and rehabilitation of sexual assault perpetrators and sexual assault victims.
Women aren’t commodities and their bodies don’t belong to their husbands. Marital rape is a violation and crime.
Rape is rape, irrespective of the identity of the perpetrator or age of the survivor. No means no. “Let us declare in one voice — we will not tolerate anyone committing or condoning rape, violence and abuse, regardless of their relationship.”
Shervonne Hollis is an advocate for women and children and founder of the 242 Domestic Violence Support Network Inc. To learn more about the organization and how you can support its mission, email info242dvsn@gmail.com or follow 242 Domestic Violence Support Network Inc on Facebook @242DomesticViolenceSupportNetworkInc.
No one has the right to invade another without their consent or approval, whether unmarried or married. Sexual intercourse should be a consent on both parties, after all can one rape themselves?
In a married relationship, a husband should respect his wife wishes and a wife should respect her husband wishes sexually.
Therefore there should be a level of understanding with in a marriage between husbands and wives’ to fulfill apart of their marital obligations and responsibilities sexually.
If their is no impending pediment that will hamper one’s marital duties then either party should fulfill their duty to their spouse.( A level of understanding)